Catalyst
by Taleya
Summary: SPOILERS ..ever wondered what finally made Knives snap as a child?
1. Part 1

Catalyst **WARNING: **This is set pre-SEEDS crash...if you ain't seen ep #17, don't read!!!****

**Disclaimer:** I don't own shit   


Catalyst   
By Taleya   


It wasn't until years later that Knives knew a name for what happened to them on the ship. The way Steven treated them, the term for the way he beat them, maligned them. But by then it was too late. The damage had been done. 

But the words remained. 

_Child abuse._

Knives wrapped his arms around his thin child's body, whether to warm himself or provide a comfort that would never come he couldn't say. Perhaps a bit of both. He stared at his reflection, past it, seeing not his own face but another. An altered mirror, different eyes, lighter colouring, a tiny mole beneath his eye. But still a mirror. 

One that was broken. 

Knives stared sightlessly at that mirror as the lift began its downward descent to the medlab. Smashed. Possibly beyond repair. 

A tear slid down his cheek, but he didn't even feel it. He closed his eyes, closed those altered mirror images, reaching out with his mind, seeking the present and only finding the past. 

Even Vash hadn't known who had attacked him so viciously. Knives knew that. Had seen it as it happened, the endless blows on a small, defenceless body, felt the snapping of an arm raised in protection as if it had been his own. Nothing but shadows and darkness, but he knew who was responsible. 

Steven. 

But what was his word worth? There was no proof. No sure way. Nothing but shadows, and even their investigation had turned up nothing to seal it either way. Cell samples of both of them, but then again it was a plant room. They were in there all the time, Steven, Vash, Knives himself. 

The Captain had shaken his head. Proof was needed. Not just suspicions. They had their interplanetary laws, their codes, and the most important of these was 'Innocent until proven guilty.' 

And if there was no proof, there was no guilt. He had tried to explain it, explain his cold logic, his reasoning, they needed their laws, how else could they function as a group? They needed more than vague shadow images and suspicions - that sort of splintering could spell the end of the SEEDS project. Rumours unchecked and unable to trust each other, their work would be destroyed. He'd forbidden Knives from mentioning these 'suspicions' again. 

Knives got the message. They were expendable. Steven, the trained, _human_ plant technician was not. 

And what of Vash? Knives leaned his head against his arm, eyes opening and staring at the metal walls as they slid soundlessly past the outside of the lift.__

_He couldn't hear him anymore!_

Even more terrifying than the attack, than the sight of his injured body had been the sudden silence in his mind. Time and time again his mind was drawn to that void, like a tongue to a missing tooth. The silence terrified him, the absence of that soft, wordless patter of feelings and thoughts. 

_Where are you, Vash?_ He wondered, staring sightlessly at his own reflection. 

The lift doors opened and he slipped soundlessly out into the darkened corridor, pausing beside the medlab doors, jaws clenching around a helpless sob as he thought of the lone patient inside. 

_They wouldn't let him touch him, wouldn't let him curl with him in his unnatural sleep, wouldn't let him hold him and soothe him, cold machines and loud voices as he stood there through it all, a small, terrified child, held back when he'd tried to go to his brother, tried to touch him, Rem holding him fiercely, holding his struggles, Mary screaming to get him out and so much blood, so much, screams of pain and outrage and he hadn't realised that he was the one screaming until Rem had dropped to her knees beside him, turning his face and pressing it to her chest, holding him tightly, murmuring endless nonsensical stupid words even as he kicked and bit at her, screaming his brother's name over and over until something jabbed his arm and the world went black.___

_He hated them, hated them all!___

But they weren't here now, he saw as the door slid open, the bare light inside showing a single, occupied cot and a figure curled in a nearby chair. They had all gone. Leaving _her_ there waiting for the end. They thought he couldn't hear them, couldn't hear the hushed voices, couldn't see the sorrowful looks when they saw him, that he couldn't understand the meaning behind the hands resting on his shoulders as he stared endlessly at the screens in his room, watching the medical bay, the way they acted, the way they moved as if Vash was already dead. 

Rem was asleep in the chair by the bed, tears still coating her cheeks, fingers lying on the bed, still loosely encircling smaller, limp ones. They'd given up, all of them. 

But he wasn't going to. 

Asleep or gone, there was no one to stop him now, creeping silently across the floor, a tiny, quiet shadow in his soft-soled shoes. 

Pausing for a moment beside the cot, he stared up at the displays with solemn eyes. Depressingly low, a bare breath above death, they captured him, held him helpless. As he watched, they dipped an almost imperceptible fraction lower. 

_"Mary…. I really think Knives should be with his brother…"___

_"Rem. No. It's too dangerous."___

_"Knives is a good boy, I promise, please, just let him see him, let him see he's all right. I promise he won't touch anything, he only wants to see Vash…"___

_"Vash is the one it's dangerous for. Rem…whoever did this…. I don't think he's going to make it."_

A sharp intake of breath, choked by tears. _"Oh god…. is it really that bad? Please, let me take Knives in, if it's that bad then we have to let him in, we have to let him say goodbye…"___

_" No."_ a pause. "_Dammit Rem, you know the story, that sort of psychological damage, especially for a twin…"___

_"And what about me?"_ the coldness in the voice had startled him, that voice professing love and peace now shards of ice. _"Is it too dangerous for me? Will you keep me away from him too? Are you going to leave that little boy to die all alone, or should we jettison him now?"___

_"Rem, don't make me pull rank. No. He can't. ..Rem…REM! Come back…Dammit..."_ the thud of a lone body against the wall. A quiet whisper of reflection _"..god why did they hurt the _good_ one…"_

Taking off his shoes, he clambered carefully onto the bed. 

He was so hurt. So hurt, bruised skin and broken bones. Knives didn't know where to touch him without hurting him, stretched full length on the bed beside the silent figure. Gradually gathering his courage, every move slow and tender, he eased his brother into his arms, cradling Vash's head against his chest, holding him ever so gently, a thin, fragile thing that could shatter like crystal at the faintest breath. 

_… Now_ he could hear him. So faint in his mind, like a flame about to die, but there, he was there. So far away, but still there. 

"I'm sorry, Vashu…" he murmured silently, tightening his grasp almost imperceptibly, snuggling his brother closer. _He_ was the one that Steven had wanted. The one who scared them the most, the one that never behaved the childlike way Vash did, the way they expected him to. The solemn philosopher, the questing scientist, the brooding man, all hidden behind a child's liquid eyes. The one who showed no surface for them to gain purchase on. The one they didn't understand, and the one they really feared from that confusion. 

The 'little bastard' that Steven had promised to make pay for showing them up on his job. 

And in the darkness of a plant room during sleep-cycle, the soft gleam of the quiescent beings inside washing odd colours over their eyes and hair, who would know the difference? 

He should have warned them, should have said something…but the smallest sacrifice had to be made, at any given time. Which would they choose? Their own kind, a plant engineer, or two unearthly monsters they feared and never understood? 

And now his brother dying, his presence barely a sigh in his mind. 

"So sorry…" the tears that had been threatening for so long finally broke free and he sobbed, every inch the child he was, the child he wasn't, duality captured in a single form. 

_ "..god why did they hurt the _good_ one…"_

"Vashu…I'm so sorry…" he clutched his brother tighter, as if by sheer physical force he could keep the younger twin with him. It was cold. Warm here, in this climate-controlled room, but still cold. He huddles under the thin hospital blanket, lacing limp fingers with his own, cuddling him, warming him. "I'm sorry…. don't take him…please…" he wasn't sure who he was talking to, some half-jumbled memory of a god Rem had told them about, the stars they were born in, something, anything, anything that would listen. 

He got no answer.   
  


...to be continued..... 


	2. Part 2

catalyst Catalyst   
Part Two   
By Taleya 

He didn't know how long they lay there, the soft pulse of twin hearts, one strong and true, the other weak and stumbling their   
only companions. The lights began to dim, the energy-conserving sensors built into the walls detecting no new movement, no   
need for their illumination. Dark. Cold. Like that empty place that no longer sang in his mind, like that stone forming in his   
heart. He tried to wrap himself closer around Vash, dipping into their shared link, determined to reach his brother in his pain,   
to comfort him, determined not to let him 

_Shut up, he's not going to die, he can't die_

alone 

_STOP IT!_   
  
Knives pushed deeper through the link, the familiar pathways so cold and empty to him now. He almost fancied he could hear   
the ghostly echo of his own mental footsteps echoing through the silence in his mind. He involuntarily repressed a shiver. This   
wasn't like the quiet solace they sought sometimes on this ship, this was different. Colder. Dead. This silence terrified him,   
made him want to run in fear. 

He felt a breath of a ghost of sensation. Too low to be certain, but he was anyway. 

_Vash…_

He pursued it, not on feet, not here, on wings, following it through the darkness, deeper than they'd ever ventured before into   
each other's souls, into the power of their own. 

_Vash…come back…!_

The darkness swelled around him, solidified and he stopped dead in his search. He was sitting on the periphery of something,   
so close, he could feel it. Like an invisible barrier, a line he shouldn't cross. A restraint, holding him back and grounding him.   
He pulled back for a moment; probed at it, the inquisitive scientist in him taking over, examining it, body still rocking back and   
forth, arms twined around his brother, mind elsewhere. They'd never encountered this before, neither him nor Vash. 

"Knives?" A human touch brought him back to himself, surfacing unwillingly from the soft flight of the mind into the heavy   
weight of the physical. Rem was awake now, sitting up, the lights obediently flaring back into life at her movement. She   
blinked for a moment in their glare, then rose to her feet. 

Knives gave her a bare glance, hunched around his brother, protecting him in the curve of his body. 

"Knives…" her voice was almost a sigh. "You shouldn't be here…" She stroked his hair softly, offering him comfort. He   
didn't shirk from the comfort, but he didn't release his grip on his brother either. 

And she didn't push the issue. 

She didn't offer him lies or false reassurances either, and for that he was oddly grateful. She understood best amongst all the   
crew the odd dichotomy in what they were. She didn't feed him the lies and false hopes that would suffice the child she knew   
he damn well wasn't. She spoke to him like the man he was. But still, she offered gentle comfort to the child he was at the   
same time. 

"I know sweetheart….I know…" she didn't explain what she knew, stroking his hair again and leaning against him in a clumsy   
embrace. He could smell the soft scent of her shampoo as wisps of long hair draped over his face. Knives thought that maybe   
he could understand a little why Vash loved her so much. 

Reaching out, Rem clasped her hand over his, giving it a small squeeze, as if offering her strength. He acknowledged the   
physical touch, then ignored it, dipping back into that deep black pool of the mind, probing delicately at the wall before him. It   
was an enigma to him, as smooth and opaque as obsidian in this landscape of the intellect. At another time it would have   
utterly fascinated him. Something to study, to explore. But now it was nothing but an obstacle, something to overcome,   
something keeping him from his brother. He measured its strength, pacing the length of it. What _was _ this? A mental   
representation of Vash's coma? 

More than once he tried to push through, halting again at that odd sensation, that fear buried deep in his psyche that babbled he   
shouldn't pass it, shouldn't attempt to pass it, that beyond it was something he shouldn't ever be part of. An allegory then. A   
limit to his powers. 

Sudden fear. Did that mean Vash was beyond his reach? 

_No!_

He settled himself down in this mental reality, pondering the wall before him with questioning, calculating eyes. 

~~ 

Another touch brought him back to reality. Not the soft, almost soothing touch of Rem, but a loud, annoying voice. Mary. 

"Rem! What are you still doing here?" her voice was startled as the door slid shut behind her, almost dropping the padd and   
hypo in her hands in surprise. "It's nearly morning! Have you been here all night?" as if drawn by a magnet, her eyes locked on   
Knives. "Rem, I said…" 

"Don't worry." Rem's voice had a surprising bite of anger to it, Knives noted, drifting idly, split between puzzling out that   
smooth wall and the ongoings in the physical world. "I didn't break your precious rules." 

_ahhh, so Vash's angel has horns after all…_

" – Knives came here by himself." Pink tinged her features. "He snuck in when I fell asleep. " her hand returned to stroking his   
hair. "I think he should stay. Mary, he needs to heal as much as Vash does and I really think that it might help – " 

Alarms suddenly erupted through her words, cutting her off mid-breath. Startled, Knives was thrown completely back into the   
physical world, clutching at Vash, craning his head as one by one the monitors crashed downwards. 

_Vash! NO!_

Rem was almost crushing his hand on hers, tugging at him, unknowingly echoing his thoughts. "- VASH! No! Mary, please,   
quickly, we have to – " 

Another alarm went off, adding to the cacophony, the monitors over their heads howling a final mournful death song but Knives   
didn't hear them, delving back into the realm of the mind, chasing after the wavering spark that was his brother as it was   
swallowed by darkness, chasing it, reaching out desperately to wrap himself around it, to bring it back or let it take it with him   
down the spiral to death, he didn't care which. Life without Vash was unthinkable. Without his brother, the other half of his   
soul...death would be a mercy. 

"Leave them Rem…" he could hear Mary's voice somewhere behind him, somewhere back in reality. "It doesn't matter….   
I've been expecting this….it wouldn't be fair to…we can't…..not any more…" her voice was choked with tears. Defeat.   
Resignation. Death 

_DENIAL_

He dove recklessly forwards, smashing the barrier, feeling something snap in the back of his brain, dismissed, unimportant,   
uncaring, desperately seeking out that tiny, almost non-existent flame of life, casting around in anguish and coming up with   
nothing but handfuls of nothingness. 

A voice howled in torment and he realised dimly it was him. 

_No no no no no **nOO!!!!** _He was almost convulsing in the bed now, Vash's body clutched desperately to him in a grasp that   
should have made the younger twin protest. "don't take him, please don't take don't take him…I'm sorry Vash, I'm sorry,   
I'm sorry…" it rose higher, pitched in his child's voice but the desperate demanding growl of a man. "Don't take him, DON'T   
YOU TAKE HIM, **YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!!"**

A spark bloomed in his mind, bursting into flame, a brilliant, painful fire that exploded along every nerve, searing his psyche. A   
sudden rush of power, like a dam bursting and he didn't question it, used it, _rode_ it, reaching deep into death 

_You_

casting about in the endless blackness, the suffocating depths, his own body withering and dying without him and THERE!   
THERE HE WAS, reaching out, wrapping his mind around his brother's, feeding him strength he could barely afford,   
desperately cuddling that fragile flicker to his own, embracing it, feeling it nudge weakly in response 

_Can't_

feeling hands pulling uselessly at him, the monitor screaming louder now, no longer one, but now two deaths, _two_ lives slipping   
away, female screams even louder…Rem, was that Rem? Why was she pulling at him, why was she pulling him back, he   
couldn't leave he couldn't – not without Vash!__

_Have_

and then he was returning, snapping back into his own body, pain screaming along every nerve ending as he fought his way   
back to life 

**_HIM!_**

and hauling Vash back with him. 

But the pathway to reality crumbled around them even as he reached for it, and he didn't know if he had the strength to make   
it…   



	3. Part 3

catalyst Catalyst   
Part three   
By Taleya 

Something was falling against his face. Wet, warm against his cheek. Rain? He stirred against it, drifting idly in that soft state between waking and dreaming. Was it raining in the recreation room again? Delicate eyelids fluttered against a china doll face. If it was raining he would get Vash. They both liked to play in it, in this impossibility, water falling from the sky. They both knew the science of it, the math, but it didn't dispel the wonder as hands lifted up to the cascade, feeling it pool in the their palms and trickle down their wrists, soaking their hair, their clothes, gleeful feet paddling in the puddles forming on the ground. 

Another drop, landing just below his eye, trailing down like a fake tear to rest against the side of his nose and he wrinkled it imperceptibly. Rain. Must tell Vash… 

_Vash!_

The thought brought reality and remembrance crashing back and he struggled to open his eyes. 

"Knives…no, please…Knives…" Rem was cradling his head, her face twisted in anguish, tears spilling down freely to patter against his face, endless prayers falling from her lips. "Please, please don't take him god! Please don't take _both_ my angels away from me!" 

Like swimming through molasses, he forced himself to move, ignoring her glad words and hands touching him as he unclenched stiff limbs, stroking his brothers' cheek. 

_He'd_ made it back…but the question was, had Vash? He'd tried, holding on until he thought his mind would tear itself apart in the stress, but at the last instant, before he broke the line to reality he had lost his grip…. 

"Vash…?" it came out as a bare whisper through dry lips, panic flaring in his mind. The monitors weren't sounding any more alerts, but all that meant was that Vash was alive. It didn't mean he was _there_

He felt for a mind, couldn't focus right and panicked again at the lack of response. What if all he had brought back was a body without a mind? Nothing but a soulless zombie? 

_Vash…_he repeated the entreaty with words, a nervous tongue darting out to lick his lips. "Vash…." He reached out again, hands roaming aimlessly over the body in his arms. What if he had failed? What if it didn't work? What if he - 

_…exhaustion…fear….questioning…Knives?_

A soft, tender brush of a battered mind responding made his heart sing, feeling arms slowly come up to return his embrace. "…knives…?" Questioning. Confusion. The weakness in that grasp made him want to weep anew and he tightened his hold, burying his fingers in the soft blonde hair, pressing a desperately loving kiss to the bruised face. 

"Vashu…Vashu..." It was all he could say, over and over. 

"You came for me…" Vash whispered into his chest, mind burrowing gently into his own for reassurance. "You came for me…" 

Reaching out, Rem gently touched Vash's arm, then stroked it, disbelief and joy colouring her tone. "Vash…Vash…? Can you hear me, sweetie?" 

He blinked tiredly and smiled at her. "Rem…. sorry if I scared you…" he yawned and feebly snuggled his brother like a sick infant with a giant plush toy. 

_You came for me, I knew you'd come Knives. _Love flowed out and filled those quiet places between them, love and a little awe, and for an absurd moment Knives felt like one of those superheroes from the old stories they read. 

Mary pushed past and stared at the monitors, one hand resting on the side of the bed. "That's not possible…" she whispered. "…it's not possible…." She tore her gaze away and stared at Vash as he blinked up at her, gaze travelling along to where Knives still cuddled him. There was awe in her gaze. 

And fear. 

Knives stared back, feeling the reassuring pump of his brother's heart against his own. 

"Thirsty…" the soft plaintive whimper sent Rem scurrying for a water pouch, pure joy radiating almost palpably, her step as light as a girl's and Knives watched in bemused exhaustion, feeling Vash slowly curl his still healing body tighter against him, basking in the glow restored to his soul. 

_Knew you'd come Knives. I knew you'd come. It was so dark and I couldn't find my way back…._

Knives pressed a gentle kiss to his brother's temple, working his fingers through the long blond hair under his palm, massaging the scalp underneath. _I'll always come for you Vash…___

_I know you will..._

He felt a buzz along the back of his brain, threatening to become a headache and he closed his eyes briefly, leaning back against the pillow to try and stave it off. Rem returned with a water pouch and fussed with the controls, raising the bed so that neither boy had to sit up before offering Vash a drink. Angling his head awkwardly, head still resting against Knives' chest and hands curled in his shirt, Vash let her feed it to him like a baby, drinking thirstily. 

Rem smiled and stroked back a lock of hair. _That's it, my little angel, drink all you need, it's ok, oh thank you, thank you god for bringing him back to me, for bringing them both back to me…_ Knives let the patter of words wash over them, then realised in astonishment that the woman's lips weren't moving! 

"Not too much at once, Vash, it'll make you sick, " she scolded gently as Vash choked a little, trying to inhale the pouch. Knives almost physically jumped, his hand clenching around his brother's back in panic. He'd heard those words before she even said them! Vash groaned a little in response to his grip and he eased up, staring as Rem hastily put the water pouch on the end of the bed, reaching up to stroke his brother's uninjured arm, brushing loose hair from his eyes, resting gentle fingers on his cheek. "Vash? What is it?" 

"…sore…" Vash whined again. 

Knives stared at Rem as she soothed his brother, gathering a few more pillows and fussing maternally. What was this? Why was he hearing her thoughts? He'd never been able to do that before, not with anyone save Vash, or the plants, certainly not with humans! He drew back, then gently sidled forwards again, prodding at her mind at little. 

Love. That was his first impression. So much love in her mind. For everything. Everyone. He let himself bask in it for a moment, then moved forward, slipping deeper into her psyche. Concern. Yes. But something else. Sorrow? No._ Jealousy?_ She was _jealous of him?_ He stared at her, cuddling his brother tighter, resting his chin gently on the younger twin's mop of soft blonde hair. She was! Jealous of him, of the way Vash had said his name first, of the closeness they shared. Hidden so deep he doubted even she knew it was there, but she was _jealous!_ And…greedy! She wanted Vash to herself. Wanted him to be her child! Eyes wide, he let them travel to the other woman, Mary, poking at her mind. 

What he saw there made him recoil, a gasp choking his throat. She wasn't there that night to 'check' on Vash. This one wasn't even hidden, was there on the surface, plain to see. She'd come with a needle, a way to end all the hopeless pain of no recovery, to make it 'easier' on herself, on Rem, on all of them. She consoled herself with good intentions and pretty words, but the thought of Euthanasia horrified him. She'd come to _kill his brother!_

_…smallest sacrifice possible…_

_How_ small? And how small were they in the minds of these _humans?_

The skin at the corners of his eyes tightened convulsively, a surge of pure fury ripping from him and he saw the woman's hand twitch, convulse as if gripped by a spasm. She shrieked a little in fright, the hypo crushed in suddenly disobedient fingers, shards of glass digging cruelly into her hand and backed away, eyes focused on him, clutching at her wrist as blood dripped onto the floor. 

He could see her mind now, chasing endlessly after itself. _Oh god, oh god, HE did this, HE did, oh god oh sweet jesus what is he what IS HE?_

Vash stirred again in his arms, nestling closer, tucking his head under Knives' chin with a little noise of contentment, burrowing his face into the hollow of the other twin's throat. Knives reflexively tightened his embrace, the conflict between his brother's soft contented unquestioning mind and the human screaming mentally in fear making him close his eyes against a wave of vertigo. 

"Your hand!" Rem looked over to the other woman at the sound, half-rising from her seat with concern. "Mary, what happened?" 

"I…he…" Mary's mouth moved like an elderly goldfish that had just been fed, words escaping with no sounds as Knives opened his eyes again and stared at her, almost daring her to make a move against him, against Vash. 

…and he could feel, on the edge of her psyche, little thoughts. Denial thoughts. Thoughts that wanted to cover it up and make it all an illusion. He gave them a gentle nudge… 

"I had an accident with a hypo…You keep an eye on them, let me get this cleaned up. I'll be back in a minute.." Mary hurried off, her mind already healing over the shock of the impossible. Just a silly imagining, she shouldn't think such things, it was just a stupid accident, the shock made her clench her fist like that, she shouldn't be surprised, the twins always did heal fast… 

Reeling in shock, Knives felt his mind expand despite himself, sweeping past the room, past the people inside, flowing out into the corridors and even into the sleeping bays. Now he could hear them all. All the humans, the waking and sleeping, hear them all in his head, the duality, the grasping, greedy horrid faces under their perfect facades. All of them leering at him out of the gloom, one after the other like a grotesque Jester's parade, and an involuntary whimper broke from his throat. 

Terrified he shrank away, into Vash's arms, burying his face into the soft blonde hair, mind shrieking on the edge of insanity, flailing for something to cling to and suddenly locking onto Vash. 

Vash. 

Contentment. Peace. Love. The lips against his throat curving in a weak, but happy smile. 

No duplicity. He could feel the maelstrom ease. No lies, no greed, nothing but love. Innocence. He closed his eyes and wanted to sleep in it, to wrap it around himself like a protective blanket. Every nerve in his body jangled, deep, bone-weary exhaustion and some physical pain warring with the voices in his head for prominence. 

A gentle hand rested against his forehead, then slid down to cup his cheek. "Knives honey, are you ok? You feel hot." Again that concern. But still that dank undertow that made his skin crawl. 

Vash's hand crept up to rest gently at the base of his throat. "Rem's right Knives…" he whispered in eager concern. "You don't…_feel_ right…you feel different. Strange." The other two knew he wasn't just speaking of a physical touch. 

"Come on Knives, let me move you to another bed, ok?" her voice was soft, coaxing. "I just want to see the monitors without Vash on them as well…" 

His hand tightened against Vash's back. But it would mean letting go… 

"Just for a little while, ok? I promise." Lies from an angel. But he was so tired… 

"Please Knives? Let her look at you?" 

In the end, as always, it was his brother who broke the stalemate. He thought he nodded, wasn't quite sure. Didn't really care either way. He let her ease him into her arms, his grasp on Vash falling limply away to hang down in the air, hands like dead birds as she lifted him and put him down on another bed. Click of activating monitors. 

"Rem?" Vash's weak voice was worried, rustling noises from his bed. "Rem?" 

"Shh, he's ok Vash. Lie still. He just needs to rest…" 

And he did. 

~~~~~   


Dark now. Sleep cycle. The others had left, their boisterous welcoming back party for Vash still leaving a few scattered streamers here and there, eagerly scrawled signatures on a plaster cast fading in the dim shadows along with the memory of their laughter. 

Millions Knives stared up at the ceiling, arms crossed behind his head, teeth worrying at his bottom lip, mind chasing in circles. 

He couldn't shut them off. 

In his mind, always in his mind, the endless chatter of others. Their hopes. Their dreams. Their daemons, all of them parading in his mind like gibbering devils, demanding attention. He could force them to the background, but never lose them completely. This new gift….it was a hell. 

And Mary…what he had seen…what he had made her _do…___

Now he _was_ worth fearing. He remembered so many times he had wished he was worth all that misdirected fear and hatred, that he could do cruel and strange things, manipulate them, scare them, just something, anything to justify the hatred he couldn't understand. 

And now he could, and he would have done anything to give it back. Now they really _would_ fear and hate him. Hate what he was, what he had become. There would be no 'new understanding', no 'getting over it', he _was_ a monster now. 

"Knives? You awake?" The question was rhetorical, the soft pad of bare feet scurrying across the floor, their owner making little noises of irritation at the coldness of the metal surface, then Vash was clambering into the bed, the cast on his arm thumping oddly against the pillow clutched to his side. 

Wordlessly, Knives moved over to make room, eyes still locked somewhere on the ceiling and a million miles away. 

With little grunting noises Vash squirreled himself under the blankets, shoving his cold feet down to curl around his brother's warm ones, thumping his own pillow down on the bed and stealing one of Knives'. A few minutes of squirming later and he was happily ensconced, snuggled under the blankets, head propped up on one hand as he calmly watched his brother, injured arm carefully resting on a pillow between them. 

Gingerly, he reached up and stroked Knives' elbow with his fingers, the only motion afforded by the cast stretching from wrist to elbow. Despite himself, the older twin felt himself relax at the familiar, comfortable touch, then the dread returned. 

An abomination. Worth nothing but fear. And what of Vash? If Vash knew this skill, this horrid, hateful skill, these abilities, would he still touch him like this? Would he still love him? Or would he shrink in fear from what he had become? 

No. Not that. Vash would never do that. Too quixotic. He would love Knives…but something between them would change. Something between them would be stained. 

Above them, the monitors sang a reassuring song to the twin hearts beating steadily under its watch, the easy, pain-free breathing. Closing his eyes, Knives let it soothe him for a moment, the touch of Vash's warm flesh against his, the sound of his heart, the caress of his mind. A shudder ran through him involuntarily as he remembered the alternative. He rolled onto his side, suddenly desperate to see those green eyes looking back at him. 

"What's wrong?" Folding his arm down, Vash rested his head on it, peering at his brother under long blonde bangs in a pose Rem had once described as making him look like a scolded daschund. Curious at the simile, Knives had once looked up what a daschund was in the ship's database and had promptly spent the next two hours laughing his arse off at his brother. 

The memory didn't even quirk his lips now. 

"Just thinking…." Reaching out, he traced the looping signatures scrawled on the cast covering Vash's injured arm with his index finger, following the inked lines then trailing off to idly explore the valleys and hills of the white plaster. "Why did they sign this?" he asked in sudden anger. "They were ready to give up on you, ready to let you die!" 

"But I didn't," Vash pointed out. "You saved me." The simply spoken words made Knives close his eyes against the memory, the desperate darkness, the shattering of that barrier that was never meant to be breached, the feeling that somehow something had broken irretrievably in his mind. 

"why do they bother?" Knives murmured absently. "It's only going to happen again. They hate us. They're afraid of us. Of what we are." 

"Only here…" the beatific smile on Vash's features irritated him, for a brief instant he wanted to smack it off. "Things will be different Knives, you'll see. Rem says so." He rolled carefully onto his back and beamed at the cold metal ceiling above them. "They'll be different in Eden." 

Knives rolled with him, looking up, seeing past grey metal, steel bolts, endless oblivion in the space surrounding them. Seeing into a future. 

Eden. A fantastical, wondrous place. Where everything was good, and nothing was bad. A place humans would create. 

A place humans would destroy. 

He remembered a filmstrip the Captain had shown them once…how human civilisation had started when an ape had grasped a bone and beaten another with it….And they hadn't changed in the millennia that had passed since! All their lies. All their hatred, their endless, groundless fears and greedy, grasping minds seethed in the background of his own like a vile sea. 

What would they do with their 'Eden' ? The same they had done to their own world? Would they rape, and murder, steal… 

Vash rolled over and cuddled him closer, stroking his hair in an attempt to soothe the dark thoughts that were radiating almost palpably from him.   
  
So innocent. So loving. No lies. No duality. Just….Vash. 

Humans didn't deserve Eden. 

Vash did. 

And Knives would make it his.   


~owari~   


Apologies if this seems somewhat fractured. I recently told my family about my cancer, and well, the shit hit the fan. My home is being sold from underneath me and I feel ill. I promise I will rewrite this when my brain is working, but I didn't want to make you wait if I got sick again. 

'leya   



End file.
